so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
