There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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