and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
