Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
