shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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