There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
