I can tuck mytits in my pants
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
