Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize