Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
