So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
