I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
