i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
