I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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