Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
