It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Holy sore nipples Batman
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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