somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
