once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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