if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
