dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
