you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
did i walk over a car last night?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
