Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
