Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize