youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
