Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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