Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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