can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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