I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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