I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
