I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
