I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
