GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
