based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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