just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
