ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
