She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
