I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
