Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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