By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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