Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
