Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I want a musical about memes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
