You just made me feel so damn special
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
