can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
