The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
