Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have feelings that need drinking.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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