Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
