I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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