So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
