you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
