She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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