even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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