I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
