Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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