So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
