so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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