just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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