Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My vagina just clenched in fear
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