i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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