Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
