i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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